I contacted some of the webmasters for the links given below, asking if they would be interested in forming a Velveeta Webring. You know what I mean...each of our websites would have a little Velveeta box at the bottom and the words VELVEETA WEBRING, NEXT SITE, RANDOM, etc. You would have been able to jump from one Velveeta site to another lickety-split. If you wanted to. Anyway, as Yogi Berra either said or might still say, the response was underwhelming. I think I scare some people.
So we are on our own here.
First, what the hell IS processed cheese anyway?
Processed cheese, or American cheese, is cheese that is treated by pasteurization and the addition of preservatives and more moisture for spreadability and ease of melting. If it is called cheese FOOD, as is the case with Velveeta, the product needs to contain only 51% real cheese.
Most of the people who prefer Velveeta over real cheese also prefer Miracle Whip over mayonnaise. I'm not passing any judgements here--it is simply a matter of taste. Or lack of it.
Now here is an interesting site: Complaints.com. Here is their featured Complaint of the Day for May 28, 2001:
Kraft, the company that brought us not only Velveeta and Miracle Whip but also Kool-Aid, Jell-O, and Stove Top Stuffing, lower its standards? Where the heck can they go from where they are? Sigh.
And someone said that irony had died when G.W. Bush was elected president.
A very frightening site that answers the cosmic question: When 5% of your consumer base buys 75% of your product -- how do you drive those users to purchase more?
Another frightening site that answers the cosmic question: What do you do with 30 pounds of Velveeta?
The Velveeta Room in Austin.
National Velveeta. Comedy troupe.
Velveeta.com. The Kraft site. Uninspired.
Velveeta: Penn State's eighties party band.
The Velveeta Underground. Another band.
The Velveeta Rabbit. This is a transformation story in a transformation story archive. Apparently transformation is a big deal to some people because there is even a transformation webring.
OK...here's a recipe for something called Velveeta Fudge. The recipe says that it lasts for months. I have a can of cuttlefish that I picked up at the Asian market just for laughs--it's long-lasting, too, and probably for the same reason.